complete & utter exhaustion
As it turns out, my mother was right.
She would always say to me, “Why do you want a child? You will only worry the rest of your life.”
About every breath and every step they take - it’s true. I’m here to tell you that the ultimate sacrifice in life, for a woman is to have a baby. And I knew it before, and during, and I know it now. I will spend all of my life caring, nourishing and pouring love and knowledge into her.
But…
it’s exhausting to take care of a little human, and then try to take care of yourself. What’s worse, I didn’t want to take care of myself. When I went back to work, I was like, why am I here? Why am I not with my child? I just think of her whenever I’m not with her. To have a child is the most selfless thing a woman can do, but not everyone will understand it. Not everyone will know you didn’t rest because she had a cold, or her teeth are hurting, or she had a nightmare. Not everyone will know that even though you’ve let go, and let God, you still have to take care of yourself as a mom, as a woman, as a person you care about.
And that is where I have been the most exhausted. Caring for myself. Because even though you’re busy not thinking of yourself, other people are. And it’s not entirely a bad thing, to watch your diet, to exercise, to whiten your teeth, to get botox, to go out, to have a life outside your baby. But it is so exhausting. Even nights out when you need a drink to take the edge off, you still pay for it the next day. Moms don’t get to have sick days or hangover days. If you work a full time job like I do, it takes real effort to go do something for yourself. It takes real effort to take care of your relationships. To find time, space, in the midst of all of the worrying, all of the preparation, all of the cleaning and laundry, and so on - it just gets added on. And sometimes, if you do not express that exhaustion, I promise you will be unwell.
Sometimes, you just need to rest. Give yourself some grace. Love yourself. Give yourself advice you’d give a good friend, or a sister. Rest, not because you don’t love yourself, but because you do.
Ultimately, if you just stop fighting fate, it turns out it will still do what it was meant to do.
d