crash course on motherhood

Prodromal labor is a bitch. Three shots of morphine on three different days later, to find out my water had broken. And then there was the epidural which wasn’t easy to put in because my spine is slightly curved. Once the anesthesia finally kicked in, I eventually dilated to 10, only to find out she wasn’t going to fit. So we could let the heart rate rise, until it became an emergency, or just go through with a c-section right away, so I chose the latter. Another scar next to my appendix that I didn’t want. She came 3 weeks early with her eyes wide open ready for this world, while I began falling completely apart. Hello, hormones. Three days in the hospital recovering, bleeding like someone had shot me without the ability to move, use the restroom or shower. My face was swollen, my legs - huge. I could barely walk on the 2nd day but I did anyway. Then on the 3rd. Then I came home only to find myself cleaning up with swollen legs. Three - four days of compression socks, epsom salts, movement and elevating my legs/feet, just to start my breast feeding journey on the 5th day home. Add lactation consulting, doctor visits literally every single day the first week I was home. And some family drama due to my inability to communicate. That’s what happens when you have PTSD. When you’re in shock or overwhelmed, one reaction is to completely freeze. Self isolate, bottle everything up and wait for your insides to explode, only for your feelings to come out the wrong way.

But when I look at her all I can think about is how much I love her. and how I’ve never really loved anyone so much. She makes every part of the bones in my body that ached suddenly feel relief. Relief of the memory of the pain I was feeling before she came into this world.